This election year has been a whirlwind of substance. The public has been informed of important presidential qualifiers such as the candidates’ genitalia size, who can deport the most minorities, and who kill the families of terrorists most effectively. Although, another shocking new fact has has emerged. We have obtained direct evidence that both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump both listen to Nickelback religiously. An inside source has revealed it is one of their favorite bands which influences all of their major policies. Do not despair though. You will not have to vote for someone that listens to Nickelback. The world is not that cruel.
We have also obtained information that Presidential candidate Gary Johnson does not listen to Nickelback. This leaves Americans with one sane choice for President. There is still an option for the 330 million Americans who rightfully hate Nickelback. Gary Johnson is the only Presidential candidate who will be on the ballot in every state, that does not listen to Nickelback.
The Clinton campaign was asked to comment directly on these newly discovered documents, but quickly declined, referring us to the campaign’s legal counsel, Loretta Lynch. Luckily, we did get a chance to ask Trump about this disturbing fact, the exchange is below:
A.L.F.: Is it true that you listen to Nickelback Mr. Trump?
Trump: Well, first off, it is important to know that I was talking about this issue before anybody else was. Our focus needs to be on making America great again. We really need to focus on issues that are important to common Americans like myself. And our strategy is working well, even with how unfair the media has been to me.
Though the Gary Johnson campaign did not release a comment before this article was published, we have multiple sources that are close to Gov Johnson who have said that he does not listen to Nickelback. Some of our sources went so far as to say “When the Governor hears that Nickelback is playing, he will ask for the music to be changed.”
Thankfully there is one sane choice for Americans on the ballot in all fifty states. The people can vote for Gary Johnson with clear conscience knowing that he doesn’t listen to Nickelback.
This article does not contain any actual facts except that Gary Johnson is the only third party candidate that will be on the ballot in all 50 states.